Dishonesty and lies

Assalamualaikum,

For you ....

 About the feelings I had, have and will always have for you and towards our relationship. Some things you may already know and some you might be surprised that I know. Life is a mistery, and surprises good or bad will always come in our path. With this thought, I write this super long letter to you. The thought of love. True love. Although, honestly, I start to loose faith in true love, I am still willing to hope. After all, what is life without a hope?

If you look back, it is kind of funny the way I found out about your living together story
, i must cannot ignore your said on the past time . I don't know why i'm always remember that .
Maybe i hate what your said . U remember when you easy speak "I  will be come to your parents if you wants married with me ". Its simple u think ?
No ....!! this is about responsibility to ALLAH ,u know that ?
But after the day i had lost to belived you . You are fail become candidate idealism husband of my side (sorry this ini my fell ).
But ,Allah give me another way . One of day we meet with condition saling need . Also we can find .

As for me, my life to you is like an open book. I would try my best to tell you everything about my past. Even sometime I saw you are not interested in listening to it, I did it anyway. I feel that you have all the right to know who I really am. Because as human, we sometimes didn’t know who our own self is! Most of the times we learn to get to know our self better by listening to what others say about us. By learning from reactions we got from our actions. Just like a child learning to recognize her parents.

I want you to know me and maybe give me some advise. Make me understand myself better. And more important, I would really like you to understand my value about life. What made me happy and what can hurt me. What I like and dislike. All of those aspects we need in spending live with our significant others. All that needed to make our relationship a better one than the previous one (that we left behind)

Maybe I love you soo much I even think about those girls you once love (I hope) and the more I know you, the more I feel for them. It may sounds weird but it is what it is. I always have a big compassion towards others. Especially those who experience the same things as I am. I can really feel for them and strange enough, slowly it grows to the directions I could never imagine. The more I understand what you did to them and how they feel, the more I dislike you. And soon you had became a stranger to me. I don’t know who you are anymore. And I really think you didn’t try to show who you really are to me to start with.

No pain no gain.You know, there is a song saying : when one door closes another one will be open. That is how I feel when we first met. I just closed my door, my past, and totally ready to open a new door. And you told me the same thing, I believe you then. But in time, I find out bites and pieces of you and starting to put the puzzles together. Don’t get me wrong. I am not spying on you. Its just instinct. On top of that, its probably how the universe works. What goes around comes around. Everything seems to just fell on my lap and reach me instead of me looking for them.

To err is human. But to keep making same mistakes again and again its stupidity. I don’t know about you, because you seems to keep repeating your life pattern again and again.
 Closed the bad full of mistakes chapters and move on with the new ones. After all you knew you can get anybody and everybody would be interested in you. You knew for the fact that there are lots of others who are stupid enough to be dragged into your game. There will be no lack of supplies to be found as your next victim. And you can just keep doing what you like to do, with no responsibility or sense of guilt.

To me, it’s totally opposite.Regardless my fault or my partner’s fault, it is still my fault. Because I let it happened. I can blame my partner all my life, run away hoping I will find a new partner that will fit me and my needs. I can hide behind my self defense that it was all not my fault but I just happened to meet someone that is not for me. But for how long? And what will I get trough it all? For me, happiness is within myself. I should know myself first before I can understand others and decide weather we are fit for each other or not. I never run away from my problems. I stay and stick with it until I realized the core problem and possibility of fixing it. I never run away, I leave proudly and peacefully. With more understanding of who I am and what I’m looking for. With clearer step as to where I move on.

I thought, no matter how bad and wild and selfish your past is, deep down inside you are still a decent human being. I thought your decision to marry me is your turning point. Change of direction in life. I thought you found your purpose in life in me. But again, I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. You are not the one,That is why all problems start. Dishonest and lies.